Creativity or Stability?

So you think you have talent. You practice, everyday at your talent. But you also have other obligations to think of and take care of - if your not still living at home with mom and dad. It's simply a question of balance you tell yourself. But if your paying bills and trying to make a name for yourself - on your own - how many pep talks on average do you give yourself a week. Disappointment and becoming discouraged is nothing new to any type of artist. For me, I struggle with this more and more lately (especially with my MFA winding down).

As a little girl I pictured myself as the boss, the person in charge of some fantasy corporation. I was confident and the go to person that held things together. Maybe its my Leo nature to portray myself in such a light, but I still keep that picture in the back of my head today. What do I really want to be when I grow up? My knee jerk answer is an author/writer. Then I met a girl at school who said to me, "being published doesn't certify me as a writer. I am already a writer because I write everyday." Touche.

So I'm a writer. I am devoted to that. And I'll admit, I still want to be published (soon) for others to believe in the writer in me too. (For those that need to see to believe) And I know by heart the things I need to do to get there and I make time. But there never seems to be enough time. At times I do feel caught in a circle of too little, not enough, and almost. Would having a full-time career in an arts organization (something I aggressively pursue everyday) make me more fulfilled? I don't know but I'm hoping. Would a publication credit make me more fulfilled? Probably, just momentarily I assume. But everyday I think, this struggle is worth it, I will reach my goal of accomplished writer.

Yet, my path is very unclear. I understand writing takes time. But I want things now. I like to shop, to buy books (obviously), to go out with friends, and writing is not footing this monthly bill. So can I have it all the little girl dream and the big girl ambition? I'm definitely trying. These economic times are not helping me explore my options. Do I play the starving artist role and patiently await my dues? Do I try and make it in the arts culture anyway I can? How do you get into the arts culture (beyond being an independent writer)? I volunteer at the public library and would do more but my day job does not allow me extra time for it. When will the economy bounce back and put a strong wind in my wings?

Play and Pain

I have emerged from the holiday weekend with lots of thoughts about my summer stories and a minimum of fifty mosquito bites. I have now become the artist going mad - or maybe I am just going mad. But my current condition has made my word count rise as I try to keep my fingers from away from scratching my bites and on the keyboard. I would never recommend this method to anyone but it seems to be working for me.

I did not hit my June story deadline. I didn't have high hopes for that anyway. The good news is I still kept writing regardless. I just didn't rush to get it done. Now I'll be working on both stories at the same time. Probably, good for when I get writers block on one I can switch to the other.

For my second story, I am thinking of writing about a girl who loses her memory. The story will open at the moment she regains consciousness and can't remember a thing about her past. She will not have any recall of the past whatsoever. Thus, she will have to cope with starting brand new knowing nothing of herself or those she once knew. I am worried however, this can turn out to be a tricky story and end disastrously. So I need some help avoiding the possible pitfalls of a story like this. Any suggestions of what to steer clear of?

Lastly, I have joined twitter. I pains me to say this because I promise to never join. I already did not have enough time in the day to keep up with the current networking I already do. However, I find it an interesting "community board" of sorts. Its a nice quick method to get out there what I am doing currently and checking in with others. So I'm warming up to it, however, I'm not full throttle on it just yet. But follow me at bturski.

Hiatus Over

The best intentions always seem to fail us. However, my writing hiatus is over. Well I never truly stop writing, that is the good thing. I just was not writing the stuff I wanted to. Time to play catch up. My last post was about AWP. Here are the best items I took away from that conference:

Marya Hornbacher nonfiction book Madness
Matthew Zapruder (Poet)
Panel Careers in Literary Arts that are not Teaching
Panel The Future in Book Publishing

As previously stated, I was working on a review of Hornbacher's book. However, after having a trusted friend tell me the ugly truth about my review, I realized its not always easy to break into new fields of writing. I was about to dig back in at it when I was offered a freelance job I could not pass up. A job is a job is a job. When someone wants to pay you to do what you like - write - then I suggest you take it. Freelance is tricky. There are too many times the artistic visions of the artist and client do not match up or at least need a "merging" period before a beautiful and agreeable project is produced. My client was a very hard working woman whose only problem was she did not have enough time for all her ambitions. A problem I run into on a daily basis. This is really a good problem covered under to many projects that are not completed. It was terribly difficult to get a hold of her making it difficult at times to communicate about our on-going projects together. When I did get a hold of her however, she was always willing to jump right in and work. Overall, it was a pleasant experience reminding me of the challenges that can come with writing.

My Hornbacher review is now back on the table competing with several other projects I always seem to have going on. However, I am not in a rush to finish it. Trust me, I want to get it up right away, but I feel my speedy ambitions may have been a part of the original downfall of the review. I think I will spend a day reading other people's longer reviews to get a better feel of what mine was missing before taking another pass at it.

Other projects include getting at least one of my fiction stories to a FINAL version so I can start sending it out. I feel pretty good at where I have it now. Awhile back I had one of my other trusted friends (who has had VERY GOOD success) read it. Her comments helped me look at the story with new eyes. She encouraged me to flush out areas where I relied on summary dialogue or general paraphrasing too much. She also reminded me of something my Fiction III professor often repeated - every move has a reason and exact intent behind it. This is difficult to think about when you sit down to write your first draft - the reasoning behind every word. I must learn how to not think of it that way or I may never write another word again because of the weight of thought behind it. The advice makes sense, yet, its hard to apply. I will have plenty of time to practice however, with all my revisions I need to make before turning in pages for my first thesis two session.

Which brings me to other summer project - writing more stories to finish my thesis by December. I want to graduate in December and be done with school. However, I have had small hope of having my thesis finished by this deadline. Nonetheless I have a plan. I need to write at least two stories this summer in order to have (possibly) the bare minimum of pages. If I can complete this I will at least have the two stories I need for my workshop class in the Fall and can focus on producing more to meet the page requirement. The good news is I finally thought up some new story ideas. With some amo in hand I told myself I will write one story in June and one in July. Today is June 24th and I have not yet written the first paragraph of the story. I am not worried. During the school year I wrote a story in a week. (I also had more time to think about it before hand). To my credit I have attempted at starting and adding lines to the story several times. It just has not taken off yet. Pray for me. More to come.

AWP

I have finally rounded the corner of the AWP Conference and entered the homestretch. The past two nights I've felt a great surge of motivation, excitement, and ambition. Despite listening to the five panelist at "MFA Thesis to the First Novel" all tell me it took them eight years to get their books to print. I'm convinced, by a feeling of a coming break through and absorbed good writer vibes, mine will not take that long. The panels at the conference have been good for the most part. It is always overwhelming to receive the 200 plus page schedule and try to narrow my trip down to four panels a day. All too often I hear patrons leave panels greatly disappointed and let down because the amazing description and title failed to live up to their expectations. This happens for many reasons, the panelist focus on plugging themselves or their work too much, the topic is too narrowly or widely discussed, people abuse the Q&A segment to get on their own soapboxes, or the patron had too high or unrealistic expectations. Fortunately, I have not had that experience this year. Lots of the panels I have been interested in are focused on the current state of the publishing and literary world. I am graduating this winter and have been looking for a job since last September. It's slightly daunting and frustrating to listen to each panelist introduce themselves and tell a little bit about their history because I'm still not happy with my place in the literary world. Sure I am a writer and I am working on everyday making that my main occupation. However, when the bills roll in throughout the month I get anxious and rethink how many hours I should be working at my part time job. It's really a delicate balancing act I am still trying to navigate.
Today there is a panel on "Careers in the Literary Arts" that focuses on occupations that are open to people who do not want to teach. This is a panel I have to reassess my expectations. I must remind myself it is not the end of the rainbow with a pot of golden open positions waiting for my acceptance. More to come.
What I have appreciated most about this trip to AWP is as Dennis Johnson of Melville House Publishing says I am "getting to know my industry." So many times I have had conversations with people about lit magazines and editors etc and felt I was still far at the edges of this world. I rarely knew the "it" people that could make or break a writer's career. It seems like every industry has these "god" like figures with ambitious minions fighting each other off to get noticed by them for their big discovery. While I haven't met the woman or man that I think will make me a best seller (in reality that is really only myself) I have learned tons of names in the business and been able to get a snipit of their personality making them much easier to recall later. This I believe has been invaluable to me as an ambitious writer. Something I did not take into consideration before coming to AWP. Off to more panels.

"Ritual" by Heather Cox

Please visit Dark Sky Magazine to ready Heather Cox's poem "Ritual." Cox is one of the first Serif members to be published. http://www.darkskymagazine.com/ritual/

Also, appearing soon at Dark Sky Magazine, two of Alex York's, poetry genre lead for Serif, poems. More to come later.

Kozol and Networking

For my Cultural Capital class I read Shame of the Nation, by Jonathan Kozol. The book details the widening gap in the different types of education being received by white children and minority children using poignant stories and statistics over the last thirty plus years. Immediately, I was uncomfortable with how the language of the book was very black and white. That is to say, Kozol spoke of race aggressively, without qualifiers, and honestly from page one to page three hundred and fifteen. This was a style of writing I had not come across in any of my academic texts. I was uncomfortable not because he talked about race but because he did it without trying to "sugar coat" his position or the true position of the educational situation for majority of minority children. Thus, I think my uncomfortablenesses was something Kozol was hoping to achieve. Something I believe he was hoping would sit badly with me enough to cause me to react. In this, way I believe the book is successful because I did find I was asking myself afterwards what can I do to change this reality in America. A reality that lets elementary children go to schools infested with rats, high school students forced in to vocational classes and education paths because a lack of open and over crowded classes, and misappropriated state funding that does not work on a need basis. Our class was assigned to read this book in preparation of Roosevelt University's One book One University event. Our first class back after spring break, we attend this event in which Kozol spoke to a large group that filled the 2nd floor lounge. Kozol used many stories and statistics from his book in his lecture. However, I found he predominantly used the stories to highlight points in this lecture and tended to add on many comic asides to entice a laugh from his audience. I think I would have liked to hear him speak more to the current state of affairs since his book was published in 2005 and what changes if any he saw happening under the new President. This "what now" "next step" element was not a large enough component of his argument. Which I think would be O.K. if he only wanted to create awareness but I do not think that is his primary goal. He did speak of some solutions that worked in the past, such as busing, and what leader in education thought needed to happen in order for change to occur. Another movement is thought to be the answer to ignite the momentum behind the original verdict of the Brown vs Board of Education case. If that is true, the awareness Kozol does succeed in raising plays an important role in educating those may be interested in devoting their time to such a movement. His best piece of advice was in answer to a woman's question of how everyday people can help dissolve the apartheid education in America. Kozol says to hold Obama accountable. Something I think we as a nation may be doing already too prematurely on his overall performance a year after his Presidential victory.

Now the fun part of the story. After the lecture Kozol stayed and refused to leave, though threat of missing his plane by the event coordinator was ever present, until he signed every last student or attendees book that waited in line. I was toward the back of the line and when I reached him I happen to mention I was a writer. His first question - Who is your favorite poet? This is where I cursed myself for not reading the poetry anthology my good friend gave me for Christmas and so graciously highlighted all the major poets and poems any good writer should know. I dodged the question by saying I am actually a fiction writer and unfortunately do not read enough poetry because of it. He then told me to hang out a bit we should compare notes when he was done. I was very excited at his very unexpected request. Because contrary to the belief that I do not like to network, because I do and want to, I am just very bad at networking. So to have a very accomplished writer and scholar ask to compare notes with me I was besides myself. Because he was in a great rush the meeting was brief and it was me mainly walking him to his airport car out front. However, in that short amount of time we exchanged contact information, shared our favorite writers, (he like Faulkner and Graham Greene), and he told me it was a shame I did not live in the Cambridge area because he had a house a bunch of writer types liked to hang out at. Damn! I was hoping he may have had a similar house in Chicago since he made so many friends and contacts all over the nation but he did not. So with a small hug, travel safe wishes, and promises to be in touch I ended my night on cloud nine.

That was one of the few nights I was able to say I say I successfully networked with a fellow writer and scholar of the arts. Though he may write about different things than I, we both shared a love of literature and the power of words.

Inspiration and Celebration

February was rough. The job that pays the bills didn't seem to let up and I barely caught any breaks. However, that did not mean I didn't do lots of writing and re-writing, in my head mostly, but that should count on some level. And in reality it did. When I sat down to write my next story the words came very easily. I read CivilWarLand in Bad Decline, by George Saunders in preparation for writing this story. It was suggested to me by my first thesis adviser when I told him my premise for the story. However, I am approaching my story from a complete different angel than Saunders does with his stories in the book. Yet, his stories helped me seriously consider the setting and atmosphere in which my story would take place. I think this influence might help some of the realities ring more true without having to explicitly state them. I will admit it has been one of the most easy stories to write that has no personal parallel to anything in my own life. That accomplishment in and of itself was something I never thought I would get too in any near future. Though I now feel slight anxiety because I do not have a complete story idea after I finish this story. The one I am working on now I have been thinking about since last September. I like to mull it over for awhile.
I do however, have what I think can be a short short completely out of my style. Lately, going over the details of that possible short short keep me up at night. Ironically, it was something I wrote in bed by the light of my phone on a night other anxieties were keeping me up. I still sleep more than any person might at my age, no worries. Thus, I feel compelled to do something with the story, yet, it's not a piece I think will fit into my thesis. Not that that is a bad thing, only that I promised myself to stay focused. But who am I to not to let inspiration lead my astray when so many other times inspiration leaves me high and dry. More to come on that.

Lastly, the celebration news. Serif, my submission group has arrived! The past couple meetings have been more community building and writing focused. Not specifically submission focused but more all the things on the path to submitting. I have to thank all my friends for actively participating in the group despite their busy schedule. That may be as simple as coming to all the meeting and/or participating on the online forums set up. I truly appreciate your support and throw many good vibe wishes your way for your submission. But to the point - Heather Cox (http://adisheveledsoul.blogspot.com/2010/03/howl.html) has received an acceptance letter for her poem "Ritual" at Dark Sky Magazine!(http://www.darkskymagazine.com/). Heather is probably the most active of all Serif members and her enthusiasm has rewarded her. I am very proud and tickled. It reminds me why I created the group and gives me hope that it will continue to exist after I graduate. Congrats, Heather.